Feeling nervous...maybe just afraid

"Fear is the path to the Dark Side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering."
Yoda

So as I move down this chain of emotions I have posted (thank you Yoda) I may be a bit concerned for where I am headed....  I know that I'm not going to "go Sith" on the world but I also know that it may prevent me from being how I want to be.  So as I sit here in this hotel room I ponder on this idea...  I definitely have passed the first part, I know I am at anger, It's an OK stage, I believe.  At times it is necessary to "let go of your anger", I prefer doing this in the privacy of my room (or hotel room, whatever) this way no one else is involved or gets physically hurt/injured.  Although at times the person you are angry with will inevitably call or something and you will unavoidably answer the phone (probably not the best move).  Once on the phone one will probably hurt the other person in a more psychological level.  Now I'm not saying that the other person did or didn't deserve what they are getting but, one must reach deep, deep, deep down inside and try to be calm and patient, unless you really did want to let them have it in which case, so be it.  I find myself angry but I have been able to (don't know how) keep calm enough where I have not let anyone have it yet.  I may be reaching some sort of limit.  I honestly don't think there is anyone I hate, dislike maybe, but not hate.  I find hate to be a very strong feeling, Which is why it leads to suffering, maybe your own or someone else's, but still there will be suffering.  And even if you are not the one made to suffer, once that guilt thing starts happening in your head you will suffer as well.  

I believe I am writing this as a way to keep myself at Anger and maybe start working in reverse, hopefully skipping fear and just moving in the direction of the Light Side or in regular terms, being more positive.  It seems this will take some time.... OK maybe a lot of time.  I know I can be well, I know I shall be well.  Time will help me in this....

Life has a way to give you what you need and then rip it away from you.  I waited years to allow anyone in my life that I could trust, that I would allow myself to love, and I did.  Now life has made changes and I must keep moving on.  This means that we must be apart.  Not some thing we want but, something that is going to happen regardless.

This life that I have chosen, it is ever changing.  It's not for everyone.  Moving from state to state, town to town, every three to four years, sometimes every two years....  I can understand that some people may not be able to live like this.  Yet I have to, for a few more years this is the way things will be.  I guess that I am to be without that someone for that time...  Such is the price I must pay for the job I do.

So here I am, at another school.... I'm learning about my new job and all it's little intricacies.  It's a good school and has a lot to offer but quite honestly my mind is not here, has not been the whole time.  I have been able to participate and do well in the class, suprisingly so.  She keeps creeping into my mind.  The thought of her is in everything I do, she is there every second, every minute, every hour, every day.  It's so difficult to be away from her.  So strange that only after a some months in my life she became someone that I trust and care for so deeply....  Yet the time away has grown significantly.  I still want and need her in my life.  Things have changed due to the distance and yet I feel like it's the same, the way I feel about her has not changed and I believe that it never will but life goes on, ever in forward motion.  Who knows what the future holds?  What can I do?  How do I make things the way I want them to be?  All questions with no answer....no one knows, I don't know.....

Still in FL

Today was an ok day... Got up early and rode some horses first thing.  It's peaceful here. There's no stress and it's pretty much the same every day. The time with my brother and hurts family is going great.  I do miss my home though. I miss Rachel so much. Even thought about changing my flight for earlier but it's too expensive. I just wish she could move here with me, I love her.

House hunting

So here I am, Sunday morning at my dad's house beer in hand and getting skewers ready for linner.  Hehe! Shock top wheat IPA.

Moving on

So here I am, sitting, waiting, thinking.... The time is very near, sometimes I feel too near indeed. Time for another move, another town, another boat... But it's different this time, I actually asked for this. I need this one for my career, to be able to move on and take care of the ones I love.  It is a good thing that this opportunity has come along, great that I will be able to gain all this experience, great that I will move back to the south which I have come to enjoy so much.  Not so great that this time I will leave someone behind...

I've met this wonderful woman. She makes me happy in every possible way.  She's not perfect but, I believe she is perfect for me. I wish I did not have to move away and leave her here but sometimes life has a way of leading you in the direction that one needs to go.

This is a bitter/sweet move, but I believe everything will work itself out.